I have a hard time letting go of things. Feelings, people, memories. I don’t understand people with bad memory wishing it were better. Forgetting is a blessing. I wish I could forget things more easily. I feel like I’m always carrying a burden inside my head. Like I always have to watch my thoughts not to let any bad memory — and with it bad feelings — return. Because, of course, the bad feelings are still here. How is that possible that I hold on to things that make me feel so bad?

I owe myself some credit, though. I’ve been getting better. Getting hold of my emotions, trying not to let them rule me. But if I’m honest — which I am — it still ain’t easy. So I have to keep reminding myself to let go of the things from the past. “It’s in the past, look at where you are now. This is what matters.” I keep telling myself, sure that one day it will eventually sink in. But I don’t know that it will. And If I’m honest — which I always am — I’m scared. I’m scared these memories and feelings will always haunt me. I’m scared to think the only way of letting go of them is letting go of the people who caused them. Otherwise, they will only be a constant reminder of my weekness. Because, yes, I see it as a weekness.

And as I reflect on it, I realize it’s not only about the past. I hold on to my bad feelings even in the present. Well, I don’t know if it’s exactly holding on in this case. Some people might argue it’s just a healthy way to deal with the feelings. Feeling them. You know, instead of suppressing them.

The thing is… I don’t like how I feel, when I feel this way. Sad. Angry. Resentful. As much as I want to deal with these emotions in a healthy way, I can’t seem to accomplish that. And then I’m left with this… desire of just… vanishing.

I’m so tired of being like this.

But then I think about her, and all the love I feel for her, and everything I still want to live beside her… and everything else seems so small. And, suddenly, my weakness is overpowered by the strength of the love we share. And when I think everything’s gonna be fine, I’m flooded by the guilt of hurting her and everything comes rushing back in: the sadness, the anger, the resentment — but now at myself.

I’m so tired.
I don’t wanna be broken anymore.